Dear Diary,
Today was Tyler's wedding to Jonnie. I went, and did my duty by my best friend by standing with him and his new bride at the front of the church, even though I was dying inside the whole time. He looked just as I always imagined he would, and the love in his eyes would have been clear to a blind person. Gosh he's just as handsome in a tuxedo as I always knew he would be. Lucas stood across from me and I could see that he was hurting even more than I was. He's been in a relationship with Jonnie. Was practically Ty's dad, for so long. To see her marry his brother must have been devastating.
The reception started off just as the day had been. Forcing myself to be happy for my friend and trying not to let him see how much I was hurting, and standing next to Luke as he did the same. After saying hello to the newlyweds I realized I wouldn't make it without some help. Luke and I hunted down some rum and a quiet room where we weren't expected to be anything but ourselves. He took off his helmet and I took off my mask and we both just relaxed knowing nobody in that room was going to try to make us "feel better" or "stop moping". We talked, like we've spent so much time doing lately, and he told me more about his childhood. We were chatting about books we had read, finally relaxing able to get away from if for awhile, when Joey found us.
I can't believe she scolded us for drinking and hiding. I know she tries, and I love her for it, but she really can't understand. Especially now that she's with Andy and they're so very infatuated with one another. She told us to go out because it was time for us to dance with Jonnie and Tyler.
I think I was telling the truth when I told Lucas we must be masochists. Why I made Tyler promise he would dance with me, when I should have told him to promise that he wouldn't, I have no idea. I didn't think it would be so hard. I didn't think that when he looked at me, and held me, I would go back to the night I spent out with him.
What if I had ended that night differently? What if I hadn't told him that he and Jonnie were meant to be together? What if I had let it be me, rather than pushing him back to her? Why did I even do that? Oh that's right, because I love him and want him to be happy, and I know he'll only ever be happy with her.
But still, when we were dancing, and his arms were around me, his lips gently touching my forehead as the music ended, I couldn't help but wonder what our wedding would have been like. Dancing with Daddy, and laughing with Gram, and spinning around the floor with my new husband. It was all there in my mind. Then he let me go and I had to give him back to his wife.
I wanted to do like Joey suggested. I wanted to go have fun at the party, but I just couldn't. I was about to cry again, and I haven't cried over him since our so-called date. Watching Lucas fleeing back to the back room I knew where I needed to be. I ran after him, my fairy wings scattering glitter behind me as I went. I must have been a sight. When I went into the room and saw him standing there looking so bereft I knew that he and I had been brought together for this. To help each other, to make sure we got through all of this with someone else who understood. For a second as I hugged him, his grip got tighter and I had the funny feeling that everything was about to change. He took off my wings, and his football rubbish, and I saw him in a completely different light.
Of course I've always known he was attractive, in an objective way, but I never thought I would want him sexually. Let alone the all consuming need that was quickly taking over. I sat in his lap. I shouldn't have, but it felt right. Safe. Like we could do this without any risk of getting hurt. Because we're friends, but nothing else.
When he admitted to feeling the same thing I knew it was going to happen. And I couldn't have asked for anything better for my first time. He was sweet and gentle, and he understood that he wasn't the only person on my mind. Just as I'm sure I wasn't the only person on his. We didn't make love, we had sex, and it was amazing. When it was done I felt so much better. Stronger, more alive. I knew that no matter what, I would survive. Jonnie and Tyler could have a passel of babies and I would be just fine with it, because I'm not part of them. I'm not Tyler's, I never was, but for a little while I can be someone's. That's all I want is for someone to look at me like I'm not their kid sister. Luke certainly doesn't think of me as a sister, and no way do I think of him as a brother.
He's my friend. And he's so incredibly hot, and he wants me for my friendship and my body. That's something nobody's ever wanted from me before, even my stupid ex. He was all too ready to give his to some tramp he met at the pub, but he thought I was "too precious to spoil". Well maybe I wanted to be "spoiled". Why doesn't anyone understand that?
Goodness. Joey's going to kill me. Andy's going to kill Lucas. We can't tell anyone. But I am NOT stopping, it's too much fun.
*Seeing Lucas turn over and his arm looking for her even in his sleep, she closes her diary and climbs back into the bed, wrapping his searching arm around her and kissing his neck. She runs her hands down his chest and stomach, heading down to his thighs and then back up to where his legs meet, seeing him open his eyes just as she starts caressing him, bringing him once again to full attention. He smiles at her.*
[Lucas] Again? *yawning and stretching* Alright then.
[Lizzy] You're lucky I let you nap. *winking and pulling him on top of her, giggling as the sheet comes with him and covers them both*
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